Up Early For Work, Australia Day

Hrm… So I got up for work at the usual time this morning, mildly excited about moving into the new office. Just get out of the shower, and *click*, I remember. Not supposed to turn up until after lunch, because the removalists aren’t getting our stuff until then. So, had the opportunity for a sleep-in, but didn’t take it. Bummer.

Anyway, now I might as well take the opportunity to mention my long weekend, which was quite unusual for an Australia Day break. I celebrated mostly on Sunday, at Ben’s Australia Day Pre’s (the apostrophe is his, I don’t know how to write it correctly). Steve and I ventured out to Seaforth (my second trip to the Northern Beaches in a week!), and had a wonderful time barbequeing and swimming in the pool and what have you. Swimming pools are much fun if you have a bunch of semi-mature young males.

Monday, however, was much less busy. I was supposed to go to a party in Annandale with Lizzie, but pulled out at the last moment, typical me (I actually made it on the bus there, even). I felt pretty bad, but I’m glad I didn’t go. I didn’t know anyone there, and I wasn’t particularly in the mood to put myself out there a great deal and talk to new people. That, and I felt so lethargic that I lay in bed all day, watching the cricket (horrible), listening to the countdown (okay, but the ending was too boring obvious), and finally getting back into some reading (The Catcher in the Rye, which, I’m ashamed to say, I hadn’t picked up since the flight home earlier this month).

I also went to Harris Farm to do the shopping, and came home with a 2-litre bottle of freshly squeezed orange juice. And I don’t mean like the one in Coles, which is pretty fresh but also a bit processed and consistent. I mean the stuff that tastes and feels like it was squeezed straight into the bottle that day, untampered with. Mmm. Only problem is, the best-before is in only 3 or 4 days. So there’s the possibility that I’ll be oj’d out by the end of it.

Well, that’s my story for the morning. Might go… Write some emails, or something. Cheerio.

Douglas Adams’ Australia

So this is something a little different – I got forwarded an email by somebody who I don’t actually know (on my contact list, though… Figure that one out), read it, and it actually wasn’t half bad. Apparently it’s a piece written by Douglas Adams, writer of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, although the only other place I can find it is on the Radio FM 88 Australia website. Anyway, it’s extremely clichéd, but quite enjoyable nonetheless.

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the “Great Australian Bight” proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can’t spell either!

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However there are curiously few snakes, possible because the spiders have killed them all.

But even the spiders won’t go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus – estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter’s tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all ‘typical’ Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

First, a short history:

Sometime around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in the scheme of things and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) – whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.

However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk. As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are American!

Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud. Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the ‘Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land “Oz”, “Godzone” (a verbal contraction of “God’s Own Country”) and “Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth.” The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation, (Australians don’t care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.

The only correct answer to “So, howdya’ like our country, eh?” is “Best (insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world!”. It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will ‘adopt’ you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.

Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with “It’s his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub”, to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong the beer was.
Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings:-
* “G’day!”
* “It’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick!”
* “She’ll be right mate.”

Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don’t ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning is imperative.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
* Wear thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

Hope you, uh, enjoyed it! Now, to see if I can retrieve my drum pedal from JB Hi-Fi…

YouTube Clips That Last Forever

Once in a while, I’ll come across a video on YouTube that makes me laugh so much that I just watch it over and over again, never getting tired of it. I found one such video today:

Another one, from a while back, is this (although this one isn’t quite as funny as the original I saw):

Angry (Chick) Music

It was interesting chatting with Steve last night… (Especially after a few beers). We got onto the subject of angry music, because my recent listening habits seem to suggest a preference for ’softcore’ (assuming softcore is the opposite of hardcore), even a bit twee at times, and a complete absense of traditional ‘angry’ music. Like, when I’m feeling annoyed, I’ll flick on Belle and Sebastian, or Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, who put me in a nice relaxed mood, away from all my troubles. Hardcore or emo stuff just seems to irritate me more, but then in the past it’s helped, o I guess it can go both ways.

So, time for some reader input! Although reader input seems to occur more often on blogs not asking for it… Hrm.

What do you listen to when you’re feeling angry or frustrated?

Dragons in Love

So, I just got an email from the Chinese Astrology Facebook app this morning about 2009 ‘forecasts’ (I don’t recall signing up, but I find it intriguing, so I wouldn’t put it past me). Anyway, I decided to check it out, and apparently I am an Earth Dragon, and I found this interesting bit describing Dragons in general:

Dragons are quick to fall in love, but do not surrender their independence easily, leaving most of them to live life by themselves. Yet, a smart, witty, and funny companion may intrigue the Dragon long enough to make him want to get married. And once the Dragon becomes committed, he is unlikely to ever leave.

It’s mostly the first sentence that I find interesting, as it seems to be reading my mind. I am extraordinarily quick to fall in love (I think I even have a new crush…), but so far I’ve felt encroached on in pretty much every relationship so far (all *cough* three of them…). Maybe I will indeed end up uncommitted in the end. Not that that worries me in the least; I’m quite content single at the moment, and I don’t forsee that changing any time terribly soon.

I’m not one to believe in horoscopes and the like, but I do enjoy reading them to see if they have any nice pieces of wisdom in there. This is an interesting one.